I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
