I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
