I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
