what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
