i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
