She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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