Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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