god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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