I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
