I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
