I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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