i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
