You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
