I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm passing your future prison.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
