I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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