You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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