The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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