My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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