Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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