I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
