I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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