did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
