i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
