Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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