There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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