remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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