I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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