i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
