i think my mom watched the whole time
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
