Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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