Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
