I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
