The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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