Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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