Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
