Umm I'm too high to move.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
