guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
