No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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