It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
