did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
