I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
