I looked at my own cervix.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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