You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think about you every night.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
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My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.