my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
