I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
