Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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