How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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