yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
