Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
