I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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