My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
