I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
