fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Boobs speak an international language.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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