Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
