cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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